Smuggling Polish: A Beginner’s Guide
We’ve done a couple of posts on polish addiction here at Lacquerheads so far – unsurprising considering we are all absolute, diehard polish addicts ourselves. Maybe you’ve read “You Know You’re Obsessed with Nail Polish When…”, and realised you actually are addicted. Perhaps you then read my handy guide for how to justify said addiction to concerned friends and family. Maybe, despite using every trick I offered, you still weren’t able to convince the people in your life that there’s nothing wrong with having 50 almost indistinguishable navy blue polishes – they’re still giving you That Look, and making you feel all guilty. If this is the situation you find yourself in, it’s time to take drastic action. No, of COURSE I’m not talking about culling any of those indistinguishable polishes – I’m talking about smuggling.
One of the trickiest things about hiding a polish addiction is that all those bottles take up physical space – you have to get them from the post office or shop into your home, and often past the prying eyes of people who don’t understand. Never fear, there are ways around this!
My first bit of advice is to never get things delivered to your house if you have another option. If you’re alone in the house whenever the postman is likely to arrive, that’s no problem. But most homes are full of eyes – prying, tattle tale eyes. Don’t think your children won’t dob you in – they can, and they will! So if you have somewhere else to send your goods – work, a friend you see often, whatever – use THAT address.
So let’s assume you’ve got your packages going to a safe house – so far so good. But how do you get them in the door of YOUR house without irritating questions?
I had a friend when I was much younger who was the most ridiculous kleptomaniac – he could shoplift the most extraordinary amount of stuff without looking like he was carrying anything. We once came out of a shop and he retrieved a two litre bottle of coke from inside his coat! Now, shoplifting is bad and stupid and you shouldn’t do it. But it’s a shoplifter’s ability to stash objects on their person that is the quickest and easiest way to smuggle polish into your stash.
There are lots of places in the average outfit to hide small amounts of polish. If you’ve got over a C cup bosom, you can hide at least one, probably three in your cleavage.
|The arrows show the three main storage areas in cleavage – in the middle, and up the top near the armpit on each side.|
Coat pockets, particularly in heavy wool coats that don’t show bulges, are your friend too. If you can’t use either of these hiding places, chuck them in your handbag! No one will notice them under your wallet and lip balms and whatever other paraphernalia you carry, and you can retrieve the bottles later when no one is looking.
Your polish stash will just mysteriously grow, bit by bit. Because no one sees you bringing anything in, if you get called out on the expanding polish pile, just tell your friends and family they must be imagining it. After all, if you’re not bringing the polish in, how could there possibly be more of it than there was before? It’s helpful to practice this line in the mirror a couple of times so you can maintain a suitable poker face when attempting to convince your family they’re crazy.
These methods will work fine if you’re only bringing in three, four bottles at a time. But if you’ve just gotten a box of 10 delivered, you’re going to need to invest in some extra equipment.
I came across this DIY belt made by an enterprising young lad to carry film canisters so he could catch bugs in them. But one of these slung under a buttoned up coat would allow you to easily smuggle at LEAST eight bottles past the most probing of eyes. All you will need is a belt or a length of wide, stiff fabric, and some elastic to make the loops. Simple!
But maybe even this isn’t enough. Maybe you need a more heavy duty solution. The next step up from the belt is one of these babies:
Look at all those pockets. Just LOOK at them. Imagine how many bottles you could stash in this thing! Some vests even have another pocket in the small of your back, which would easily fit another four or five average sized bottles.You could get twenty, thirty bottles into this thing if you were careful. It’s genius!
Now, you might be thinking that suddenly wearing a big belt with loops on it or photographer’s vest is going to raise some questions – and this is a fair point. In summer, you’re probably screwed. But in winter? In winter all you have to do is pop these on like a bulletproof vest under a huge jumper, and you’re golden.
Look at that. She could be hiding an entire season’s worth of bottles under there and you’d never know. If anyone asks why you’ve started wearing oversized jumpers all the time, just burst into tears and sob, “Are you saying I’m fat!?” then run off. Works every time.
But what happens if someone wants to hug you when you’re mid-smuggle? Don’t worry guys, I’ve thought of everything! If your friends and/or family like to greet you at the door with a hug, make sure you match your utility belt or vest with a suitably frightening expression. Work out what emotion to project that is most likely to make your significant others scurry away, and use that.
|“You still want a hug? Hunh? HUNH!?”|
For example, my boy is terrified of me being angry. If I come home looking like I want to murder someone he will usually give me a wide berth, which gives me ample time to “storm off” to my room and unload. Some partners are scared of tears and emotional outbursts – use whatever works for you and your situation! If they ask any follow up questions later, just tell them you’re over it now, and not to worry. Simple!
Cassie is a thirty something Sydneysider, who can be found spouting her endless opinions all over the internet. Her opinions are largely confined to The Reluctant Femme at present, but if you feel like you need a constant stream of it, she can also be found on Twitter (@anwyn). Check out her Instagram account (@anwynincognito) and Facebook page too!